Friday, July 18, 2008

I told you so!

Everyone loves the feeling of a good "I told you so!" But there's nothing sweeter than saying "I told you so!" to your friends and family burning in the fiery trenches of hell, while you frolic around Heaven's infinite landscape.

That's why the website was created! (Yes, it is a real website.) For a small $40 annual membership fee, you can store emails to your loved ones that will be sent six days after the Rapture! That's right, will store up to 250MB, or 62 emails for you. The data will be held in a secure location, and will be sent to your damned loved ones
exactly six days after the end of humankind as we know it!

Frequently Asked Questions:

- How can the staff of send emails from Heaven?

There is a fool-proof system in place: three employees log in every day - as soon as six days have passed without a log in, the Rapture emails will be sent out! In the rare case that all three employees get sick or quit, you may accidentally receive some very nasty emails from your loved

- With all of the devastation after the Rapture, how do you think the emails will be delivered?

(Quoting the website) "I do believe that the Internet will be up and running. There may be some localized temporary outages...Most of the net is buried underground."

How will our heathen friends and family receive emails in Hell?

No more questions!

So, boys and girls, now would be the time to write that email to Andy Dick, condemning his drug-abuse and sharking of 17-year-old girls. When the Rapture comes and destroys everything, (except for the Internet, because it's underground....which I guess means that hiding in your basement will allow you to avoid the Rapture) you can rest assured knowing that has safely delivered your email to Andy Dick's hell-inbox, or hellbox. And you can look down from Heaven's pearly gates and yell, "I told you so, Dick!"

1 comment:

Unknown said...

As soon as I find out the email of that fucking guy who stole your shopping kart I'll be sure to send it to you. Then you can put him on your mailing list.

Then he will surely know that you're very, very angry with him.