Wednesday, January 27, 2010


I was recently tarred and feathered for mentioning that I do yoga on my Bookface status. Like it's some horrifically emasculating sin against manliness. Hogwash. Yoga is badass, and that's a fact. Here's some reasons why.

First of all, guys, you can thank yoga for the invention of yoga pants, the best thing to happen to your daily commute since the iPod.

Second, LeBron James does yoga, and he dunks on everyone. Coincidence? I think not.

Third, it's really fucking hard. It may be a breeze for you bendy little women out there, but it's a real challenge for a muscle-bound superman such as myself. Every time, it makes me sore in places I didn't know I had. Thanks to yoga, I can touch my toes with ease...I'll be doing hands-free headstands in no time. Also, it's easily customizable - you can do it the hard way, or the easy way, as demonstrated by the two images below.

Fourth, every pose has a crazy name. Usually the names are badass animal maneuvers, like "spinning water monkey," "flying dolphin fangs," "smashing sloth fist" or "fiery horse's head." When you channel the entire animal kingdom through your workout routine, it's gotta be badass.

Fifth, yoga is the perfect prison workout. You can do it in your cell whenever you want! (However, you may get shanked if anyone sees you.)

Sixth, drunken Russians do yoga (see image below), and they're as badass as it comes.

Last but not least, you get to take a nap when it's over. After a long, sweaty, stretchy yoga session, nothing feels better than falling asleep on the floor in a room full of people while the instructor whispers sweet yoga lullaby's.

So there you have it: Yoga, the new badass workout.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Where would America be buried?

This morning a good friend of mine (we'll call him Nagrom to protect his identity) sent me an e-mail titled "Obituary." The e-mail was about how the 2008 presidential election was the death of American democracy. Needless to say, Nagrom is a bit of a right-winger.

The "Obituary" reads as as follows:
Born 1776, Died 2008
It does not hurt to read this several times.

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul , Minnesota , points out some interesting facts concerning last November's Presidential election:

- Number of States won by: Obama: 19, McCain: 29
- Square miles of land won by: Obama: 580,000, McCain: 2,427,000
- Population of counties won by: Obama: 127 million, McCain: 143 million
- Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Obama: 13.2, McCain: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory McCain won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of the country. Obama territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in low income tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.

If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegals and they vote, then we can say goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years.

If you are in favor of this, then by all means, delete this message.

If you are not, then pass this along to help everyone realize just how much is at stake, knowing that apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom.

Happy Friday!

In response to this awesome e-mail, I wrote the following:

Dear Nagrom,

You and I have been "debating" politics for nearly a decade. Today, with this email, the debate sadly comes to an abrupt end. You have officially discredited any arguments you have ever made and proven correct all arguments I have ever made, in one fell swoop.

How, pray tell, have you done this? By proving that conservatives are fear-mongering liars who use nonsensical rhetoric to support their hollow claims.

1.) Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota, adamantly asserts that he has never made any of the comments in this email. His web page on the University's website even has a disclaimer explaining this. We're off to a good start: a false source of information.

Now let's get down to the "facts" asserted by...who knows.

2.) There are 50 Unites States, not 48 (19 + 29). In the 2008 election, Obama won 28 plus D.C. (not 19); McCain won 22 (not 29).

3.) America is 3.79 million square miles, not 3 million (2,427,000 + 580,000). I wonder who won the remaining 790,000 square miles?

4.) The U.S. population in 2008 was 304 million, not 270 million (127 + 143). Regardless, the 2008 election had a turnout of 129,391,711 votes. Obama got 69,456,897 votes, McCain got 59,934,814 votes.

5.) The "Professor" then goes on to make more wildly inaccurate statements about the murder rate in counties won by each candidate, how Obama only won the low income counties (like New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco?), how 40% of the country is in the "Governmental Dependency Phase" (meaning they rely on the government for roads, street lights, Medicare and law enforcement? Or meaning 40% of the country is on welfare and lives in government housing?) and how Congress will grant citizenship to 20 million "criminal invaders." I knew something didn't sound right about the Citizenship for All Criminal Invaders Bill of 2010.

I would continue down this path of pointing out obviously false "facts" made by an unknown source, but I think I've made my point.

Happy Friday!