Monday, December 15, 2008

The Greatest President in US History

January 20, 2001: George W. Bush inaugurated as the 43rd President of the United States of America.

September 11, 2001:
3,000 citizens killed and New York City buried in smoke after the most fatal attack ever executed on US soil.

May 1, 2003:
George W. Bush announces "Mission Accomplished" referring to the post-9/11 invasion of Iraq.

March 20, 2003 - Present:
WAR, WAR, WAR. The next five years of the Iraq war kills tens of thousands of US soldiers and Iraqi citizens, and costs the US at least $2 trillion.

December 5, 2008:
George W. Bush announces that the US is in a recession.

December 14, 2008:
A guy in Iraq sums it up better than I ever could have.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Blag Blag Blog

Is anyone honestly surprised by this? Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was just arrested on federal corruption charges, and it's all over the news. Well no shit. Just look at the guy! I've never seen more of a "why am I not surprised to hear this guy is a douchebag" face.

The writing was certainly on the wall. His office is in the state capital of Springfield, 200 miles outside of his home in Chicago. Because he didn't want to live in the Illinois Executive Mansion, he opted to fly private between the two, on $6,000 tax dollars a day. Meanwhile, he requires that the Mansion stay vacant. Not exactly signs of good character here.

After shutting down a relative's landfill (shady) in 2005, he used the term "testicular virility" to refer to himself. That alone almost confirms his douchebag status. His office has been investigated or indicted on charges of hiring fraud, extortion, accepting kickbacks, and shakedowns.

Apparently, Rod Blagojevich went to law school and became a lawyer. I just took two exams on legal ethics, and they didn't even talk about these kinds of crimes...because everyone knows they're illegal. Now the guy has been arrested for attempting to sell Obama's old Senate seat. I'm gonna go ahead and say I'm not surprised at all by this....just look at the guy!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


Caffeine is a helluva drug. It really does make you awake and alert. But oh how sad the coffee comedown is.

I went to Starbucks at 7:00 this morning. I'm not gonna lie - the Starbucks marketing guy has me wrapped around his
little finger. When I see those glorious/evil red holiday cups, I start salivating for peppermint goodness as if I was Pavlov's pup. Anyways, there's a huge line when I go there this morning. But the whole place is running like a well-oiled machine. All the employees were working in perfect unison, tossing and flipping cups and utensils, whizzing around each other in that tiny space. It was like a scene out of Cocktail. Every employee seemed overjoyed to be there - big smiles, friendly chit-chat, superb service. The entire room was shiny and perfectly organized, with each pastry pristinely displayed. All the employees were neatly tucked and groomed, standing erectly, speaking clearly. "One doublle-grande nonfat decaf gingersnap latte with whip for Zanzabar!" It rolled off her tongue with such accuracy, I couldn't believe it. At 7:00 AM I was at the back of the line. At 7:04 AM I had a hot coffee in my hand and a smile on my face. How do they do it??
Fucking caffeine. I returned to the same Starbucks at noon (it's finals, give me a break), and I thought I walked into a scene from Full Metal Jacket. It was the end of these poor bastards' shift, and the goods had worn off. The guy who rang me up this morning was now in the corner shaking and vomiting a little. The "barista" that made my drink earlier was now blindly wandering and mumbling to herself, with her apron tucked into her underwear. Somehow all of the employees, male and female, appeared to have a five-o'clock shadow. One guy was just standing there with his hand in the steamer and his eyes rolled back in his head, saying some sort of demonic prayer. The cash register was smashed on the floor, and the "manager" was on her hands and knees attempting to eat all of the money from the till. All the pastries were now jumbled into a corner, and the whole place smelled like burnt pee. The only coherent person in there was the drink-maker, and I suspect he had been snorting coffee grounds all day. When he called out my drink, he said "Threlve nocha gruble concat vavvvv....for Coque." And that really freaked me out because I didn't even tell them my name. Fucking caffeine.


Monday, December 8, 2008

I'm Going to Smash Bill O'Reilly's Face

Fuck this guy. After Obama won, The Bill O'Reilly "Factor" made made a piss-poor joke of a video segment on how horrific of a city San Francisco is. One of his shitbird interns, Jesse Cockface, went to San Francisco and interviewed a bunch of layabouts and crackhead trannies. After some cheap editing and a 6th-grade commentary, the result is this tour de force of news reporting.
Bill O-bag aired this segment shortly after he said "[I]f Al Qaeda comes [to San Francisco] and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other place in America is off-limits to you, except San Francisco." Really? It's OK with you, B.O., to destroy and kill everyone in San Francisco? I know we're a bit too liberal and progressive for you, but WOW, that's a pretty harsh thing to say about one of the most beautiful and beloved cities on the planet. You know, forget about the fact that San Francisco is a cultural icon, a global banking center, and a national leader in technology development. Who cares about the 7 million Bay Area residents, or the Golden Gate Bridge, or the world's only operating Cable Car system. Ya know, it's one of the most expensive cities in the world because of the red-light district and the homeless people. We let people be gay and smoke pot, so we should all die in a fiery terrorist attack! Yeah, that's fair and balanced.
Alright then, William. If that's how you're going to play, let me tell you what the people of San Francisco think of you. No one in San Francisco would mind if Al Qaeda locked your entire family in the bottom of a porta pottie, shit on them for a week, and then dumped them in a giant blender set to "puree." Bill, we would also be perfectly fine if Al Qaeda then hung you with meat hooks by your racist cellulite and dunked you head first in your family/shit-puree until you choked on your wife's heart of stone.
I'd go on, but I have a gay wedding to attend, after which I'm going to have some interracial sex and smoke a blunt while watching Family Guy. Suck it you old bigot - we're the future.