Monday, June 1, 2009

Regurgitated Afterbirth

So I was just slothing, watching a Discovery Channel show on wildlife in Yellowstone National Park. It was spring time, and the narrator was following a hungry coyote that was attempting to feed its litter of pups. In a failed attempt to eat some newborn antelope, the coyote was forced to "settle" for eating the antelope's afterbirth. Gross, I know. The coyote then returned to its starving litter of pups, and regurgitated the afterbirth for their dining pleasure. As I watched these cute little pups ferociously devour the regurgitated afterbirth, only one thing came to mind: Dick Cheney.

It's the perfect term for every single thing coming out of Dick Cheney's mouth right now. Regurgitated afterbirth. He's lapping up the now-irrelevant issues of an already-passed administration, and spewing them up for the starving media animals to feast on.
Cheney: "No link between Saddam Hussein and 9/11." Well no shit. That really doesn't matter now, does it Cheney? Your administration captured Hussein and forced his own country to hang him on YouTube for the world to see. So yeah, he's dead now. Saying that he wasn't linked to 9/11, but it was still a good idea to invade Iraq, is pretty much nothing more than regurgitated afterbirth.

Cheney: The "Bush" administration's interrogations of al Qaeda suspects were "legal, essential, justified, successful and the right thing to do." Wow, I'm so impressed that our ex-vice president is in the position to determine that breaking constitutional habeas corpus laws is legal, and just simply the right thing to do. So pretty much Dick Cheney is George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Mr. Rogers all rolled into one, and we should all care about his ideas of "legal" and "right." Nonsense. As far as I'm concerned, Dick Cheney's legal and moral compass lands somewhere between Charles Manson and Cobra Commander.

But it doesn't matter what I think, because I get like 13 hits a year (probably because of my Photoshop skills). CNN, FOX and MSNBC, on the other hand, control the airways, and have decided that whatever regurgitated-afterbirth-Cheney has to say is actually important. So they desperately lap up his worthless commentary and strew it across headlines. Why do we care what Cheney has to say again? It was hard enough to get people to listen to our last ex-vice president, and he was talking about the end of the world. If in 1961, Richard Nixon had publicly denounced the Kennedy administration, he would have been ostracized. Or if Walter Mondale had publicly criticized the Reagan administration after five months in office, people would have laughed at him. So why on earth does anyone care, at all, about what Dick Cheney has to say about the current administration??

It was a long, painful birth Dick Cheney. But it's over now, and so are your disturbed concepts of justice. So just wash away like a normal afterbirth should, and please don't regurgitate your useless ideals to the starving media anymore. It's just gross.