Thursday, October 15, 2009

Cookies VS. Comcast

Comcast, the self-proclaimed deliverers of superior and innovative customer experiences, just got out-done by a cookie bakery. Seriously.

Remember the year-long relentless commercials about the digital television conversion, and how life-threateningly important it was that we all be fully prepared for it? Comcast in particular launched a massive advertising campaign, with an End of Days theme, demanding that everyone take the simple preparatory steps to ensure we're all prepared for the digital conversion apocalypse.

Well, that Earth-shattering day came and went. I have no idea when it was, and neither do you, because you either have a cable box or bought a digital converter months ago. OK, great, we were all prepared and no one was caught off-guard by the digital conversion monster. Except for Comcast.

I have a TV in my kitchen, plugged directly into my Comcast Digital Cable outlet. It was installed last April. A few weeks ago, half my channels on that TV went out. I called Comcast to inquire. I was told, in a very rehearsed manner, that Comcast's systems were not fully prepared for the digital conversion, causing this blackout of channels. Are you fucking serious? That's like the IRS forgetting to have calculators on April 15. That's like showing up to play in the Super Bowl without your cup...or any footballs. That's like...Comcastic.

Comcast's solution to their mind-boggling lack of preparation was to send me a giant box of junk which I'm supposed to connect to my TV. I did, and now none of my channels work. Way to go, you technological savants. Of course, this massive TV-viewing inconvenience was perfectly timed with a permanent 50% increase in my monthly bill. Switch companies you say? Like millions of other San Franciscans, I live in a building with a pointy roof and a landlord that doesn't like satellite dishes. Comcast is the only ground-cable service available, giving them a monopoly on the Bay Area's massive cable market. Anti-trust laws are exactly that: laws I don't trust.

So here's where the yummy cookies come in. I went to Specialty's Bakery today, a scrumptulescent bakery and breakfast/lunch spot throughout California, Washington and Illinois. As I entered the notoriously busy location, I found myself and many others using an extremely user-friendly kiosk to order lunch. I clicked on one of their special sandwiches, customized it to my liking, swiped my card, and took a little pager to alert me when my order was ready. Seamless. So I had to ask the kind makers of my happy stomach what technology company created this awesome food expediency system. No tech company - this was created by Specialty's Bakery. Did you hear that Comcast? A bakery.

When a bakery can throw together a flawless customized online and in-store order/payment/receipt/delivery system, but a global communications powerhouse can't adequately prepare for the only thing they've ever needed to prepare for, it's time for a change.

Please join me, hand-in-hand, as we rise up, stop Comcast from buying the best network on television, and destroy the demonic evil that is Comcast, once and for all.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Fog Blog

I've just decided something. I'm going to stop treating San Francisco's fog like a cold, angry monster that comes to ruin my day. To be fair, I'll also have to stop acting as if each rare sunny day is my last day on earth, and I've just won the lottery.

This will be a little tricky. First of all, this means not hiding inside when it's foggy, but rolling off to the park and the beach instead. Second, it means talking about the fog like it's some precious gift. "How 'bout this weather, Bob? Sure is a beauty, huh?" This also means lots of wearing shorts and flippy-floppies in cold weather. I'll have to start quoting fake authors as having said "The warmest summer I ever saw was a summer in San Francisco."

It's tough not to hate the fog though. Not just because it's cold and dampening, but because it's so damn
tricky. It's like some smart son-of-bitch who tries to lure you into his fog trap. Look outside, "Wow it's so sunny!" Go outside, "Oh it's warm today!" Throw on some stunnas and go to the beach. "Gotcha!!!" the fog exclaims as it consumes all warmth and sunlight.

Alas, fog horns don't scare away fog as I once believed they did. I guess I have to throw on my foglasses and carry on in the fog like it's just another sunny day in California.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

After three long years...

Please comment on your experience with the law school's administration:

The Law administration was consistently frustrating to work with. They often provided delayed, contradicting, and incorrect information. From inaccurate information regarding my financial aid before I began school, all the way through arranging for an externship in my final year, I consistently found the administrative staff to be non-responsive and unhelpful. This lack of functional ability combined with a constant stream of duplicative, condescending, and often sarcastic emails created a frustratingly unprofessional environment amongst the Law administration. In contrast, my experience with the Undergraduate administration during my undergrad career was quite the opposite.

Please comment on the law school classroom facilities:

It's time for a new law building with wide hallways or multiple hallways, windows, and clean communal areas. Last time I was in the "lounge" a mouse ran over my foot. The bottleneck of the single small hallway lined with 1L lockers is ridiculous and unnecessary.

Please comment on the law school library facilities:

It's also time for a new law library with decent chairs, a functional heating/cooling system and roof, larger study rooms, and more windows. And for God's sake, let us eat and drink in the library, even if it's restricted to one floor. We spend all day in there. We're not children, and we don't want to work in a filthy library any more than you do. "Fines for food" or whatever is absurd, and is only appropriate for middle-schoolers.

Please comment on the law school e-mail communication with students:

Comically excessive and ineffective. I received every single e-mail from at least three separate sources, sometimes from as many as six sources ("General School Updates" "Bursar's Office" "Official Announcements" "Law Records" "Susan Erwin" "Graduate Students"). Such duplication is good cause to stop checking e-mail. DO NOT E-MAIL BLOG POSTS. That's the beauty of a blog - you can freely check it as you please, rather than having the information from several blogs jammed into your email every day. TITLE YOUR E-MAILS ACCURATELY AND PROFESSIONALLY. Questions and "tricky" comments are not appropriate e-mail subject lines; we are busy, and don't have time to wade through dozens (literally) of daily emails with cryptic subject lines. For example, the first email regarding this survey was titled "Graduating Students Survey." That's appropriate. The second, third, and fourth emails were titled "Only 50 of you have an opinion????" That's useless. That subject line means nothing to anyone. We are studying as professionals. I have worked in three professional firms, none of which ever used email subject lines like this, or wrote email subjects in ALL CAPS. Email is a professional tool, not Facebook. Use it appropriately, otherwise no one will read it, and no one will respond, no matter how many snide comments, CAPS, or exclamation marks you use.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Regurgitated Afterbirth

So I was just slothing, watching a Discovery Channel show on wildlife in Yellowstone National Park. It was spring time, and the narrator was following a hungry coyote that was attempting to feed its litter of pups. In a failed attempt to eat some newborn antelope, the coyote was forced to "settle" for eating the antelope's afterbirth. Gross, I know. The coyote then returned to its starving litter of pups, and regurgitated the afterbirth for their dining pleasure. As I watched these cute little pups ferociously devour the regurgitated afterbirth, only one thing came to mind: Dick Cheney.

It's the perfect term for every single thing coming out of Dick Cheney's mouth right now. Regurgitated afterbirth. He's lapping up the now-irrelevant issues of an already-passed administration, and spewing them up for the starving media animals to feast on.
Cheney: "No link between Saddam Hussein and 9/11." Well no shit. That really doesn't matter now, does it Cheney? Your administration captured Hussein and forced his own country to hang him on YouTube for the world to see. So yeah, he's dead now. Saying that he wasn't linked to 9/11, but it was still a good idea to invade Iraq, is pretty much nothing more than regurgitated afterbirth.

Cheney: The "Bush" administration's interrogations of al Qaeda suspects were "legal, essential, justified, successful and the right thing to do." Wow, I'm so impressed that our ex-vice president is in the position to determine that breaking constitutional habeas corpus laws is legal, and just simply the right thing to do. So pretty much Dick Cheney is George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Mr. Rogers all rolled into one, and we should all care about his ideas of "legal" and "right." Nonsense. As far as I'm concerned, Dick Cheney's legal and moral compass lands somewhere between Charles Manson and Cobra Commander.

But it doesn't matter what I think, because I get like 13 hits a year (probably because of my Photoshop skills). CNN, FOX and MSNBC, on the other hand, control the airways, and have decided that whatever regurgitated-afterbirth-Cheney has to say is actually important. So they desperately lap up his worthless commentary and strew it across headlines. Why do we care what Cheney has to say again? It was hard enough to get people to listen to our last ex-vice president, and he was talking about the end of the world. If in 1961, Richard Nixon had publicly denounced the Kennedy administration, he would have been ostracized. Or if Walter Mondale had publicly criticized the Reagan administration after five months in office, people would have laughed at him. So why on earth does anyone care, at all, about what Dick Cheney has to say about the current administration??

It was a long, painful birth Dick Cheney. But it's over now, and so are your disturbed concepts of justice. So just wash away like a normal afterbirth should, and please don't regurgitate your useless ideals to the starving media anymore. It's just gross.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Swine Flew

Considering what has actually happened in the world over the past couple years, is anyone really all that surprised about the swine flu? I mean, if I heard someone say any of these things two years ago, I'd say "yeah right, when pigs fly!"

Afghanistan's President, Pakistan's President, and the US President Have a Worthwhile Conversation

Fiat Buys Chrysler

Brett Favre as a Minnesota Viking

A Bollywood Movie Sweeps the Oscars

Joaquin Phoenix Becomes a Rapper

We Elected a President That Plays Ball

Well guess what buddy, the swine flew.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Headline Potpurri

"Miracle Fruit" Turns Sour Things Sweet

Apparently West Africa has been growing these little red berries that make your mouth trip out on ecstasy. When you pop these little devils in your mouth, you don't taste anything. But once it releases its magic flavor serum into your mouth, all sour or bitter foods will taste extraordinarily sweet. Lemons taste like candy oranges, Brussels sprouts taste like caramel corn, hot sauce tastes like honey. Do you realize the potential here? Essentially this makes gross healthy foods taste like our favorite childhood candy treats. I'm getting on a plane to Africa immediately, and coming back with crates full of the best-selling diet drug of all time.

Tesla Model S: $50,000 EV Sedan Seats Seven, 300-mile Range, 0-60 in 5.5s

This new luxury vehicle is faster than most sports sedans, less expensive than most luxury SUVs, and it runs on fucking electricity. It goes into production in 2011. So what you're telling me is that I can drop fifty grand on a new BMW 5-series, or I can spend the same on this crazy space car, and never buy gas again? I'll take the latter please. Again, there's huge potential here. Instead of spending the rest of our lives fighting other countries for their oil, the US can have all cars that run on electricity generated from these.

Hackers Crack Into Texas Road Sign, Warn of Zombies Ahead

I'm really happy to know that hackers are no longer complete nerds. This is probably one of the best uses of hackery I've ever seen. I need to get my hands on this hacking equipment. Again the potential here is limitless. I would make highway signs read:"Take Top Off Now" or "Watch For Cars" or "I'm In Your Backseat" or "You're Dreaming This."

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Things I Wanna Cuss Out Christian Bale-Style

Christian Bale has a dirty fucking mouth. During the filming of the new Terminator movie, Bale lost his mind and cussed out some crew member because he kept walking around the set. I highly recommend you listen to it. Honestly, I don't blame the guy. Not because he makes a solid Batman, and not (really) because I'm scared of him. But because there's some motherfucking bullshit that pisses me the fuck off, and I wanna scream at it too. For example:

Doo-dee-doo, playing around on the internet, about to click on something, then....POP-UP!!! "Wanna find your high school sweetheart?" "Is your IQ higher than Barack Obama's?" "Free Credit Report!"

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Do I just wander into the middle of your life, little pop-up, and out of nowhere start screaming in your face?? Huh? Do I? NO! No I fucking don't! You're unbelievable little pop-up....If I turn my computer on AND YOU'RE STILL FUCKING HERE, I will fucking KICK YOUR ASS!!!

La-dee-da, got a good job, making money in the market, just bought a house....WHAM! Recession, you're laid off, the market hits record lows, your house gets foreclosed.

Fuck's sake man! Are you fucking professional economy?! No! NO!! You're amateur. Do you want me to trash your fucking world?! I'm just living my fucking life, and you come in and trash the whole fucking thing!!! THINK for one fucking second!! You ever think about hey, it's fucking distracting to have the economy fucking suck right now!? Give me a fucking answer!!!

Mmmm, so warm. So comfortable...feel like I'm floating. It's so dark and quiet and relaxing. I love sleeping. Haaaaappy dreeeeeams... BEE BEE BEE!!! Wake up it's your alarm! Go to work!

No let's NOT go again! I'm going to fucking kick your fucking ass if you don't shut up for a minute! What don't you fucking understand!? You want me to go back to sleep!?!? Well it's fucking USELESS now, isn't it?! It's the millionth time that you don't give a FUCK about what's going on in my dreams!!! Stay the fuck outta my dreams, alarm. Do you understand my mind is not in a happy place if you're doing that? Fuck!!!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Where the Hell Have I Been?

So much crazy shit has been happening in the world, I've been a bit overwhelmed with blog ideas. The planet is in a state of disarray, and it's time to start fixing all of our problems. So let's get down to business:

1. Porn

As you all know, the porn industry asked for a federal bailout. This request was spearheaded by Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild and Larry Flynt of Hustler. I'm kinda surprised that Joe Francis is still at it, considering that in 2004 he was kidnapped and sodomized by some guy exacting revenge. But that's (funny and) beside the point. The porn industry is in trouble, and needs to be saved. Solution? Space Porn.

This untouched frontier of porn is an economic stimulus waiting to happen. Without getting into the details of how anti-gravity would make porn infinitely more entertaining, let me assure you that space porn would go flying off the shelves. But how can the porn industry afford to launch their best and not-brightest into the final frontier? Easy: Henry T. Nicholas III. This guy is the CEO of Broadcom and worth $2.3 billion. He also built a "sex cave" under his mansion, employs a small army of prostitutes, and goes through more white powder than Shaun White. If anyone in the world is willing to shell out millions to see Jenna Jameson in zero gravity, it's this maniac. And we wonder why our corporations are folding.

2. World Records

A Thai woman was just placed in the Guinness Book of World Records for spending 33 days in a room with 5,000 scorpions. Apparently this beat some idiot's previous record of less days in a room with 5,000 scorpions. I bet he feels like a total chump. Can we please have some sort of
integrity with our world records?? People are just making up complete nonsense bullshit "records." Most tic-tacs eaten by a midget underwater. Most Bowflex commercials watched upside-down. Most days in a row standing on 1,000 pankakes. Most impossible commercial airpline crash-landings in the Hudosn River. Most butterflies cut in half by a blindfolded samurai. Most times busting out into uncontrollable laughter during Saw V. This could go on forever. Which would be another world record in itself.

3. GOD I hate the Steelers.