Thursday, October 15, 2009

Cookies VS. Comcast

Comcast, the self-proclaimed deliverers of superior and innovative customer experiences, just got out-done by a cookie bakery. Seriously.

Remember the year-long relentless commercials about the digital television conversion, and how life-threateningly important it was that we all be fully prepared for it? Comcast in particular launched a massive advertising campaign, with an End of Days theme, demanding that everyone take the simple preparatory steps to ensure we're all prepared for the digital conversion apocalypse.

Well, that Earth-shattering day came and went. I have no idea when it was, and neither do you, because you either have a cable box or bought a digital converter months ago. OK, great, we were all prepared and no one was caught off-guard by the digital conversion monster. Except for Comcast.

I have a TV in my kitchen, plugged directly into my Comcast Digital Cable outlet. It was installed last April. A few weeks ago, half my channels on that TV went out. I called Comcast to inquire. I was told, in a very rehearsed manner, that Comcast's systems were not fully prepared for the digital conversion, causing this blackout of channels. Are you fucking serious? That's like the IRS forgetting to have calculators on April 15. That's like showing up to play in the Super Bowl without your cup...or any footballs. That's like...Comcastic.

Comcast's solution to their mind-boggling lack of preparation was to send me a giant box of junk which I'm supposed to connect to my TV. I did, and now none of my channels work. Way to go, you technological savants. Of course, this massive TV-viewing inconvenience was perfectly timed with a permanent 50% increase in my monthly bill. Switch companies you say? Like millions of other San Franciscans, I live in a building with a pointy roof and a landlord that doesn't like satellite dishes. Comcast is the only ground-cable service available, giving them a monopoly on the Bay Area's massive cable market. Anti-trust laws are exactly that: laws I don't trust.

So here's where the yummy cookies come in. I went to Specialty's Bakery today, a scrumptulescent bakery and breakfast/lunch spot throughout California, Washington and Illinois. As I entered the notoriously busy location, I found myself and many others using an extremely user-friendly kiosk to order lunch. I clicked on one of their special sandwiches, customized it to my liking, swiped my card, and took a little pager to alert me when my order was ready. Seamless. So I had to ask the kind makers of my happy stomach what technology company created this awesome food expediency system. No tech company - this was created by Specialty's Bakery. Did you hear that Comcast? A bakery.

When a bakery can throw together a flawless customized online and in-store order/payment/receipt/delivery system, but a global communications powerhouse can't adequately prepare for the only thing they've ever needed to prepare for, it's time for a change.

Please join me, hand-in-hand, as we rise up, stop Comcast from buying the best network on television, and destroy the demonic evil that is Comcast, once and for all.