Friday, July 9, 2010

Dear Dan Gilbert, Owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers:

With all due respect (which is none), you sir, are the Cleveland Curse. Your substance-free letter to Cavs fans was a pathetic mound of emotional-trigger words and empty promises. It had the integrity of a desperate teenager's Facebook post after being dumped at prom. Your near-retarded irrationality and complete lack of perspective is what prevented the Cavs from winning a championship, not LeBron James.
In case you didn't notice, the Cavs were a terrible fucking basketball team. In fact, I'm confident they were the worst NBA team to ever make it past the first round of the playoffs. The only reason they've even been competitors for the past seven years is because of LeBron's dominant presence on the court. But when you surround a super-star with a bunch of flat-out losers, you don't get championships. All you get is a frustrated super-star and angry fans.
Fraggle Rock Varejao? That idiot has the rebounding presence of goat. Ilgauskas? Are you shitting me? I don't even need to make a joke about this guy he's so useless. Send him back to picking apples in Russia or whatever (I couldn't help myself). Mo Williams and Delonte West? Maybe if you combined their occasional good nights, subtracted their bad nights, and added 14 inches, the two of them could make one decent player. Antwan Jamison? Too little too late, dumbass. He was good back when LeBron was in high school. And Shaq? SHAQ? Dan, you paid Shaq more than you paid LeBron. Were you drunk when you made that decision? Shaq was washed-up when he won his fourth ring with Miami. Shaq cares more about Ben Stein than he does about the Cavs. Dan, you essentially paid a tree stump $20 million to sit on the court.
So, Dan Gilbert, let's review the steps you took to build what you expected to be a championship-winning, curse-breaking Cleveland Cavaliers: draft LeBron James, a freakishly-large and talented high school kid, and surround him with a muppet, some midgets, a Russian super-villain and eventually a tree stump. Congratulations, you're a moron. You should consider yourself lucky that LeBron ended up being as much of a powerhouse player as he is. You hung your hat on one player, and expected him to carry a team of below-average players and ex-stars to a championship over stacked teams like the Celtics, the Suns, the Spurs, the Mavericks and the Lakers. I'm amazed LeBron had the patience to play with that bunch of misfits for seven years. You're lucky he waited this long to leave the Cavs - I would've left on day one when I walked into the locker room and saw Varejao's haircut.
As for all you disturbingly-angry, jersey-burning Cavs fans (many of whom I am friends with and will likely kick me in the balls after reading this), let LeBron go. MJ isn't from Chicago. Dr. J isn't from Philly. Bird and Russell aren't from Boston. Magic and Kareem aren't from L.A. Great players are great because they want a championship more than anything else, not because they're willing to stick it out with shitty teams until they retire ring-less. Kevin Garnett would've never won a championship unless he "betrayed" the Timberwolves. Clyde Drexler never would've won a championship had he not "deserted" my beloved Blazers. Allen Iverson and John Stockton waited too long to "selfishly" move to a team that could win, and now they're sad old losers with no rings. So let LeBron go.
Cleveland didn't create LeBron; genetics, talent, a smart high school coach, and some mad-scientist in a basement with human growth hormone created LeBron. LeBron doesn't owe Clevealnd anything, because he has already done more than any other super-star in NBA history: dedicated the majority of his prime years to bringing his home team from the gutter to the playoffs. Now it's time for him to go ring-shopping, and for the Cavs to build a team of multiple good players that can win a championship. If there's one thing I've learned in the 25 years I've been an avid NBA viewer, it's that players don't owe anything to their home city. Teams, however, have one purpose and one purpose only: bring a championship home. That's on you, Dan, not LeBron.
Danny boy, you don't break a curse by bitching, moaning, and making outlandish promises to fans that they can "take to the bank." You break a curse by spending bajillions of dollars on stacking a team with so many damn good players, there's no way they can lose. Just look at the Red Sox.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


I was recently tarred and feathered for mentioning that I do yoga on my Bookface status. Like it's some horrifically emasculating sin against manliness. Hogwash. Yoga is badass, and that's a fact. Here's some reasons why.

First of all, guys, you can thank yoga for the invention of yoga pants, the best thing to happen to your daily commute since the iPod.

Second, LeBron James does yoga, and he dunks on everyone. Coincidence? I think not.

Third, it's really fucking hard. It may be a breeze for you bendy little women out there, but it's a real challenge for a muscle-bound superman such as myself. Every time, it makes me sore in places I didn't know I had. Thanks to yoga, I can touch my toes with ease...I'll be doing hands-free headstands in no time. Also, it's easily customizable - you can do it the hard way, or the easy way, as demonstrated by the two images below.

Fourth, every pose has a crazy name. Usually the names are badass animal maneuvers, like "spinning water monkey," "flying dolphin fangs," "smashing sloth fist" or "fiery horse's head." When you channel the entire animal kingdom through your workout routine, it's gotta be badass.

Fifth, yoga is the perfect prison workout. You can do it in your cell whenever you want! (However, you may get shanked if anyone sees you.)

Sixth, drunken Russians do yoga (see image below), and they're as badass as it comes.

Last but not least, you get to take a nap when it's over. After a long, sweaty, stretchy yoga session, nothing feels better than falling asleep on the floor in a room full of people while the instructor whispers sweet yoga lullaby's.

So there you have it: Yoga, the new badass workout.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Where would America be buried?

This morning a good friend of mine (we'll call him Nagrom to protect his identity) sent me an e-mail titled "Obituary." The e-mail was about how the 2008 presidential election was the death of American democracy. Needless to say, Nagrom is a bit of a right-winger.

The "Obituary" reads as as follows:
Born 1776, Died 2008
It does not hurt to read this several times.

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul , Minnesota , points out some interesting facts concerning last November's Presidential election:

- Number of States won by: Obama: 19, McCain: 29
- Square miles of land won by: Obama: 580,000, McCain: 2,427,000
- Population of counties won by: Obama: 127 million, McCain: 143 million
- Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Obama: 13.2, McCain: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory McCain won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of the country. Obama territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in low income tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.

If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegals and they vote, then we can say goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years.

If you are in favor of this, then by all means, delete this message.

If you are not, then pass this along to help everyone realize just how much is at stake, knowing that apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom.

Happy Friday!

In response to this awesome e-mail, I wrote the following:

Dear Nagrom,

You and I have been "debating" politics for nearly a decade. Today, with this email, the debate sadly comes to an abrupt end. You have officially discredited any arguments you have ever made and proven correct all arguments I have ever made, in one fell swoop.

How, pray tell, have you done this? By proving that conservatives are fear-mongering liars who use nonsensical rhetoric to support their hollow claims.

1.) Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota, adamantly asserts that he has never made any of the comments in this email. His web page on the University's website even has a disclaimer explaining this. We're off to a good start: a false source of information.

Now let's get down to the "facts" asserted by...who knows.

2.) There are 50 Unites States, not 48 (19 + 29). In the 2008 election, Obama won 28 plus D.C. (not 19); McCain won 22 (not 29).

3.) America is 3.79 million square miles, not 3 million (2,427,000 + 580,000). I wonder who won the remaining 790,000 square miles?

4.) The U.S. population in 2008 was 304 million, not 270 million (127 + 143). Regardless, the 2008 election had a turnout of 129,391,711 votes. Obama got 69,456,897 votes, McCain got 59,934,814 votes.

5.) The "Professor" then goes on to make more wildly inaccurate statements about the murder rate in counties won by each candidate, how Obama only won the low income counties (like New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco?), how 40% of the country is in the "Governmental Dependency Phase" (meaning they rely on the government for roads, street lights, Medicare and law enforcement? Or meaning 40% of the country is on welfare and lives in government housing?) and how Congress will grant citizenship to 20 million "criminal invaders." I knew something didn't sound right about the Citizenship for All Criminal Invaders Bill of 2010.

I would continue down this path of pointing out obviously false "facts" made by an unknown source, but I think I've made my point.

Happy Friday!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Cookies VS. Comcast

Comcast, the self-proclaimed deliverers of superior and innovative customer experiences, just got out-done by a cookie bakery. Seriously.

Remember the year-long relentless commercials about the digital television conversion, and how life-threateningly important it was that we all be fully prepared for it? Comcast in particular launched a massive advertising campaign, with an End of Days theme, demanding that everyone take the simple preparatory steps to ensure we're all prepared for the digital conversion apocalypse.

Well, that Earth-shattering day came and went. I have no idea when it was, and neither do you, because you either have a cable box or bought a digital converter months ago. OK, great, we were all prepared and no one was caught off-guard by the digital conversion monster. Except for Comcast.

I have a TV in my kitchen, plugged directly into my Comcast Digital Cable outlet. It was installed last April. A few weeks ago, half my channels on that TV went out. I called Comcast to inquire. I was told, in a very rehearsed manner, that Comcast's systems were not fully prepared for the digital conversion, causing this blackout of channels. Are you fucking serious? That's like the IRS forgetting to have calculators on April 15. That's like showing up to play in the Super Bowl without your cup...or any footballs. That's like...Comcastic.

Comcast's solution to their mind-boggling lack of preparation was to send me a giant box of junk which I'm supposed to connect to my TV. I did, and now none of my channels work. Way to go, you technological savants. Of course, this massive TV-viewing inconvenience was perfectly timed with a permanent 50% increase in my monthly bill. Switch companies you say? Like millions of other San Franciscans, I live in a building with a pointy roof and a landlord that doesn't like satellite dishes. Comcast is the only ground-cable service available, giving them a monopoly on the Bay Area's massive cable market. Anti-trust laws are exactly that: laws I don't trust.

So here's where the yummy cookies come in. I went to Specialty's Bakery today, a scrumptulescent bakery and breakfast/lunch spot throughout California, Washington and Illinois. As I entered the notoriously busy location, I found myself and many others using an extremely user-friendly kiosk to order lunch. I clicked on one of their special sandwiches, customized it to my liking, swiped my card, and took a little pager to alert me when my order was ready. Seamless. So I had to ask the kind makers of my happy stomach what technology company created this awesome food expediency system. No tech company - this was created by Specialty's Bakery. Did you hear that Comcast? A bakery.

When a bakery can throw together a flawless customized online and in-store order/payment/receipt/delivery system, but a global communications powerhouse can't adequately prepare for the only thing they've ever needed to prepare for, it's time for a change.

Please join me, hand-in-hand, as we rise up, stop Comcast from buying the best network on television, and destroy the demonic evil that is Comcast, once and for all.