Wednesday, January 27, 2010

नमस्ते


I was recently tarred and feathered for mentioning that I do yoga on my Bookface status. Like it's some horrifically emasculating sin against manliness. Hogwash. Yoga is badass, and that's a fact. Here's some reasons why.


First of all, guys, you can thank yoga for the invention of yoga pants, the best thing to happen to your daily commute since the iPod.


Second, LeBron James does yoga, and he dunks on everyone. Coincidence? I think not.


Third, it's really fucking hard. It may be a breeze for you bendy little women out there, but it's a real challenge for a muscle-bound superman such as myself. Every time, it makes me sore in places I didn't know I had. Thanks to yoga, I can touch my toes with ease...I'll be doing hands-free headstands in no time. Also, it's easily customizable - you can do it the hard way, or the easy way, as demonstrated by the two images below.


Fourth, every pose has a crazy name. Usually the names are badass animal maneuvers, like "spinning water monkey," "flying dolphin fangs," "smashing sloth fist" or "fiery horse's head." When you channel the entire animal kingdom through your workout routine, it's gotta be badass.


Fifth, yoga is the perfect prison workout. You can do it in your cell whenever you want! (However, you may get shanked if anyone sees you.)


Sixth, drunken Russians do yoga (see image below), and they're as badass as it comes.


Last but not least, you get to take a nap when it's over. After a long, sweaty, stretchy yoga session, nothing feels better than falling asleep on the floor in a room full of people while the instructor whispers sweet yoga lullaby's.

So there you have it: Yoga, the new badass workout.


Friday, January 22, 2010

Where would America be buried?


This morning a good friend of mine (we'll call him Nagrom to protect his identity) sent me an e-mail titled "Obituary." The e-mail was about how the 2008 presidential election was the death of American democracy. Needless to say, Nagrom is a bit of a right-winger.

The "Obituary" reads as as follows:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Born 1776, Died 2008
It does not hurt to read this several times.

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul , Minnesota , points out some interesting facts concerning last November's Presidential election:

- Number of States won by: Obama: 19, McCain: 29
- Square miles of land won by: Obama: 580,000, McCain: 2,427,000
- Population of counties won by: Obama: 127 million, McCain: 143 million
- Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Obama: 13.2, McCain: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory McCain won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of the country. Obama territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in low income tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.

If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegals and they vote, then we can say goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years.

If you are in favor of this, then by all means, delete this message.

If you are not, then pass this along to help everyone realize just how much is at stake, knowing that apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom.

Happy Friday!
--------------------------------------------------------------------

In response to this awesome e-mail, I wrote the following:

Dear Nagrom,

You and I have been "debating" politics for nearly a decade. Today, with this email, the debate sadly comes to an abrupt end. You have officially discredited any arguments you have ever made and proven correct all arguments I have ever made, in one fell swoop.

How, pray tell, have you done this? By proving that conservatives are fear-mongering liars who use nonsensical rhetoric to support their hollow claims.

1.) Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota, adamantly asserts that he has never made any of the comments in this email. His web page on the University's website even has a disclaimer explaining this. We're off to a good start: a false source of information.

Now let's get down to the "facts" asserted by...who knows.

2.) There are 50 Unites States, not 48 (19 + 29). In the 2008 election, Obama won 28 plus D.C. (not 19); McCain won 22 (not 29).

3.) America is 3.79 million square miles, not 3 million (2,427,000 + 580,000). I wonder who won the remaining 790,000 square miles?

4.) The U.S. population in 2008 was 304 million, not 270 million (127 + 143). Regardless, the 2008 election had a turnout of 129,391,711 votes. Obama got 69,456,897 votes, McCain got 59,934,814 votes.

5.) The "Professor" then goes on to make more wildly inaccurate statements about the murder rate in counties won by each candidate, how Obama only won the low income counties (like New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco?), how 40% of the country is in the "Governmental Dependency Phase" (meaning they rely on the government for roads, street lights, Medicare and law enforcement? Or meaning 40% of the country is on welfare and lives in government housing?) and how Congress will grant citizenship to 20 million "criminal invaders." I knew something didn't sound right about the Citizenship for All Criminal Invaders Bill of 2010.

I would continue down this path of pointing out obviously false "facts" made by an unknown source, but I think I've made my point.

Happy Friday!



Thursday, October 15, 2009

Cookies VS. Comcast


Comcast, the self-proclaimed deliverers of superior and innovative customer experiences, just got out-done by a cookie bakery. Seriously.

Remember the year-long relentless commercials about the digital television conversion, and how life-threateningly important it was that we all be fully prepared for it? Comcast in particular launched a massive advertising campaign, with an End of Days theme, demanding that everyone take the simple preparatory steps to ensure we're all prepared for the digital conversion apocalypse.



Well, that Earth-shattering day came and went. I have no idea when it was, and neither do you, because you either have a cable box or bought a digital converter months ago. OK, great, we were all prepared and no one was caught off-guard by the digital conversion monster. Except for Comcast.


I have a TV in my kitchen, plugged directly into my Comcast Digital Cable outlet. It was installed last April. A few weeks ago, half my channels on that TV went out. I called Comcast to inquire. I was told, in a very rehearsed manner, that Comcast's systems were not fully prepared for the digital conversion, causing this blackout of channels. Are you fucking serious? That's like the IRS forgetting to have calculators on April 15. That's like showing up to play in the Super Bowl without your cup...or any footballs. That's like...Comcastic.


Comcast's solution to their mind-boggling lack of preparation was to send me a giant box of junk which I'm supposed to connect to my TV. I did, and now none of my channels work. Way to go, you technological savants. Of course, this massive TV-viewing inconvenience was perfectly timed with a permanent 50% increase in my monthly bill. Switch companies you say? Like millions of other San Franciscans, I live in a building with a pointy roof and a landlord that doesn't like satellite dishes. Comcast is the only ground-cable service available, giving them a monopoly on the Bay Area's massive cable market. Anti-trust laws are exactly that: laws I don't trust.


So here's where the yummy cookies come in. I went to Specialty's Bakery today, a scrumptulescent bakery and breakfast/lunch spot throughout California, Washington and Illinois. As I entered the notoriously busy location, I found myself and many others using an extremely user-friendly kiosk to order lunch. I clicked on one of their special sandwiches, customized it to my liking, swiped my card, and took a little pager to alert me when my order was ready. Seamless. So I had to ask the kind makers of my happy stomach what technology company created this awesome food expediency system. No tech company - this was created by Specialty's Bakery. Did you hear that Comcast? A bakery.


When a bakery can throw together a flawless customized online and in-store order/payment/receipt/delivery system, but a global communications powerhouse can't adequately prepare for the only thing they've ever needed to prepare for, it's time for a change.

Please join me, hand-in-hand, as we rise up, stop Comcast from buying the best network on television, and destroy the demonic evil that is Comcast, once and for all.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Applying for: