Friday, July 9, 2010

Dear Dan Gilbert, Owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers:

With all due respect (which is none), you sir, are the Cleveland Curse. Your substance-free letter to Cavs fans was a pathetic mound of emotional-trigger words and empty promises. It had the integrity of a desperate teenager's Facebook post after being dumped at prom. Your near-retarded irrationality and complete lack of perspective is what prevented the Cavs from winning a championship, not LeBron James.
In case you didn't notice, the Cavs were a terrible fucking basketball team. In fact, I'm confident they were the worst NBA team to ever make it past the first round of the playoffs. The only reason they've even been competitors for the past seven years is because of LeBron's dominant presence on the court. But when you surround a super-star with a bunch of flat-out losers, you don't get championships. All you get is a frustrated super-star and angry fans.
Fraggle Rock Varejao? That idiot has the rebounding presence of goat. Ilgauskas? Are you shitting me? I don't even need to make a joke about this guy he's so useless. Send him back to picking apples in Russia or whatever (I couldn't help myself). Mo Williams and Delonte West? Maybe if you combined their occasional good nights, subtracted their bad nights, and added 14 inches, the two of them could make one decent player. Antwan Jamison? Too little too late, dumbass. He was good back when LeBron was in high school. And Shaq? SHAQ? Dan, you paid Shaq more than you paid LeBron. Were you drunk when you made that decision? Shaq was washed-up when he won his fourth ring with Miami. Shaq cares more about Ben Stein than he does about the Cavs. Dan, you essentially paid a tree stump $20 million to sit on the court.
So, Dan Gilbert, let's review the steps you took to build what you expected to be a championship-winning, curse-breaking Cleveland Cavaliers: draft LeBron James, a freakishly-large and talented high school kid, and surround him with a muppet, some midgets, a Russian super-villain and eventually a tree stump. Congratulations, you're a moron. You should consider yourself lucky that LeBron ended up being as much of a powerhouse player as he is. You hung your hat on one player, and expected him to carry a team of below-average players and ex-stars to a championship over stacked teams like the Celtics, the Suns, the Spurs, the Mavericks and the Lakers. I'm amazed LeBron had the patience to play with that bunch of misfits for seven years. You're lucky he waited this long to leave the Cavs - I would've left on day one when I walked into the locker room and saw Varejao's haircut.
As for all you disturbingly-angry, jersey-burning Cavs fans (many of whom I am friends with and will likely kick me in the balls after reading this), let LeBron go. MJ isn't from Chicago. Dr. J isn't from Philly. Bird and Russell aren't from Boston. Magic and Kareem aren't from L.A. Great players are great because they want a championship more than anything else, not because they're willing to stick it out with shitty teams until they retire ring-less. Kevin Garnett would've never won a championship unless he "betrayed" the Timberwolves. Clyde Drexler never would've won a championship had he not "deserted" my beloved Blazers. Allen Iverson and John Stockton waited too long to "selfishly" move to a team that could win, and now they're sad old losers with no rings. So let LeBron go.
Cleveland didn't create LeBron; genetics, talent, a smart high school coach, and some mad-scientist in a basement with human growth hormone created LeBron. LeBron doesn't owe Clevealnd anything, because he has already done more than any other super-star in NBA history: dedicated the majority of his prime years to bringing his home team from the gutter to the playoffs. Now it's time for him to go ring-shopping, and for the Cavs to build a team of multiple good players that can win a championship. If there's one thing I've learned in the 25 years I've been an avid NBA viewer, it's that players don't owe anything to their home city. Teams, however, have one purpose and one purpose only: bring a championship home. That's on you, Dan, not LeBron.
Danny boy, you don't break a curse by bitching, moaning, and making outlandish promises to fans that they can "take to the bank." You break a curse by spending bajillions of dollars on stacking a team with so many damn good players, there's no way they can lose. Just look at the Red Sox.

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