Tuesday, December 9, 2008


Caffeine is a helluva drug. It really does make you awake and alert. But oh how sad the coffee comedown is.

I went to Starbucks at 7:00 this morning. I'm not gonna lie - the Starbucks marketing guy has me wrapped around his
little finger. When I see those glorious/evil red holiday cups, I start salivating for peppermint goodness as if I was Pavlov's pup. Anyways, there's a huge line when I go there this morning. But the whole place is running like a well-oiled machine. All the employees were working in perfect unison, tossing and flipping cups and utensils, whizzing around each other in that tiny space. It was like a scene out of Cocktail. Every employee seemed overjoyed to be there - big smiles, friendly chit-chat, superb service. The entire room was shiny and perfectly organized, with each pastry pristinely displayed. All the employees were neatly tucked and groomed, standing erectly, speaking clearly. "One doublle-grande nonfat decaf gingersnap latte with whip for Zanzabar!" It rolled off her tongue with such accuracy, I couldn't believe it. At 7:00 AM I was at the back of the line. At 7:04 AM I had a hot coffee in my hand and a smile on my face. How do they do it??
Fucking caffeine. I returned to the same Starbucks at noon (it's finals, give me a break), and I thought I walked into a scene from Full Metal Jacket. It was the end of these poor bastards' shift, and the goods had worn off. The guy who rang me up this morning was now in the corner shaking and vomiting a little. The "barista" that made my drink earlier was now blindly wandering and mumbling to herself, with her apron tucked into her underwear. Somehow all of the employees, male and female, appeared to have a five-o'clock shadow. One guy was just standing there with his hand in the steamer and his eyes rolled back in his head, saying some sort of demonic prayer. The cash register was smashed on the floor, and the "manager" was on her hands and knees attempting to eat all of the money from the till. All the pastries were now jumbled into a corner, and the whole place smelled like burnt pee. The only coherent person in there was the drink-maker, and I suspect he had been snorting coffee grounds all day. When he called out my drink, he said "Threlve nocha gruble concat vavvvv....for Coque." And that really freaked me out because I didn't even tell them my name. Fucking caffeine.



test123 said...

i've never read a more accurate depiction of Starcrack...well played.

Unknown said...

HILARIOUS! I especially like the last photo...