Remember this guy?!?!

Poor bastard...three years ago in 2017, the world couldn't get enough giggles out of his unfortunate misfortune.  Now this literally happens to everybody all day every day.

Even as I type this I have several children jumping on my lap and screaming in my face.  Some of them aren't even my kids!  I think my neighbors figured out they can get free babysitting if they simply lock their kids outside, knowing they will flock to my house.

You know who else is a poor bastard?  All of us.  Every American is hopelessly swirling in the eye of the shit-nado that is ([COVID + racial injustice] × [Trump ÷ Biden]) to the 9th power of OH MY GOD THE ECONOMY.

I haven't blogged since my first kid was born seven years ago.  I looked at an unfinished blog draft from 2013 that read: "Welp, Obama's back for more, the 49ers are going to the SuperBowl, and Beyonce is the new Queen of America.  All in all, 2013 is off to a great start."

And it was!  Followed by several prosperous years Pope Francis on Twitter, To Pimp A Butterfly and...well, um...tons of horrific school shootings (way to go, NRA) and obvious climate change destruction.

OK fine, it wasn't all rainbows and cupcakes back then.  But at least we could bury our noses in work, travel, social media, Game of Thrones, and the general comfort of not facing death and/or unemployment at every turn.

Maybe GoT was on to something.  While we're all fighting for The Throne (The White House) a menacing hoard of White Walkers (Coronavirus? Climate Change? Systemic Racism? Choose your allegory) is marching toward us.  Many epic battles ensue, and in the end...the dragons die and The Throne is destroyed.

Yikes.  I'd give anything to be that poor bastard back in 2017.

Dear Dan Gilbert, Owner of the Cleveland Cavaliers:

With all due respect (which is none), you sir, are the Cleveland Curse. Your substance-free letter to Cavs fans was a pathetic mound of emotional-trigger words and empty promises. It had the integrity of a desperate teenager's Facebook post after being dumped at prom. Your near-retarded irrationality and complete lack of perspective is what prevented the Cavs from winning a championship, not LeBron James.

In case you didn't notice, the Cavs were a terrible fucking basketball team. In fact, I'm confident they were the worst NBA team to ever make it past the first round of the playoffs. The only reason they've even been competitors for the past seven years is because of LeBron's dominant presence on the court. But when you surround a super-star with a bunch of flat-out losers, you don't get championships. All you get is a frustrated super-star and angry fans.

Fraggle Rock Varejao? That idiot has the rebounding presence of goat. Ilgauskas? Are you shitting me? I don't even need to make a joke about this guy he's so useless. Send him back to picking apples in Russia or whatever (I couldn't help myself). Mo Williams and Delonte West? Maybe if you combined their occasional good nights, subtracted their bad nights, and added 14 inches, the two of them could make one decent player. Antwan Jamison? Too little too late, dumbass. He was good back when LeBron was in high school. And Shaq? SHAQ? Dan, you paid Shaq more than you paid LeBron. Were you drunk when you made that decision? Shaq was washed-up when he won his fourth ring with Miami. Shaq cares more about Ben Stein than he does about the Cavs. Dan, you essentially paid a tree stump $20 million to sit on the court.

So, Dan Gilbert, let's review the steps you took to build what you expected to be a championship-winning, curse-breaking Cleveland Cavaliers: draft LeBron James, a freakishly-large and talented high school kid, and surround him with a muppet, some midgets, a Russian super-villain and eventually a tree stump. Congratulations, you're a moron. You should consider yourself lucky that LeBron ended up being as much of a powerhouse player as he is. You hung your hat on one player, and expected him to carry a team of below-average players and ex-stars to a championship over stacked teams like the Celtics, the Suns, the Spurs, the Mavericks and the Lakers. I'm amazed LeBron had the patience to play with that bunch of misfits for seven years. You're lucky he waited this long to leave the Cavs - I would've left on day one when I walked into the locker room and saw Varejao's haircut.

As for all you disturbingly-angry, jersey-burning Cavs fans (many of whom I am friends with and will likely kick me in the balls after reading this), let LeBron go. MJ isn't from Chicago. Dr. J isn't from Philly. Bird and Russell aren't from Boston. Magic and Kareem aren't from L.A. Great players are great because they want a championship more than anything else, not because they're willing to stick it out with shitty teams until they retire ring-less. Kevin Garnett would've never won a championship unless he "betrayed" the Timberwolves. Clyde Drexler never would've won a championship had he not "deserted" my beloved Blazers. Allen Iverson and John Stockton waited too long to "selfishly" move to a team that could win, and now they're sad old losers with no rings. So let LeBron go.

Cleveland didn't create LeBron; genetics, talent, a smart high school coach, and some mad-scientist in a basement with human growth hormone created LeBron. LeBron doesn't owe Clevealnd anything, because he has already done more than any other super-star in NBA history: dedicated the majority of his prime years to bringing his home team from the gutter to the playoffs. Now it's time for him to go ring-shopping, and for the Cavs to build a team of multiple good players that can win a championship. If there's one thing I've learned in the 25 years I've been an avid NBA viewer, it's that players don't owe anything to their home city. Teams, however, have one purpose and one purpose only: bring a championship home. That's on you, Dan, not LeBron.

Danny boy, you don't break a curse by bitching, moaning, and making outlandish promises to fans that they can "take to the bank." You break a curse by spending bajillions of dollars on stacking a team with so many damn good players, there's no way they can lose. Just look at the Red Sox.

नमस्ते

I was recently tarred and feathered for mentioning that I do yoga on my Bookface status. Like it's some horrifically emasculating sin against manliness. Hogwash. Yoga is badass, and that's a fact. Here's some reasons why.

First of all, guys, you can thank yoga for the invention of yoga pants, the best thing to happen to your daily commute since the iPod.

Second, LeBron James does yoga, and he dunks on everyone. Coincidence? I think not.

Third, it's really fucking hard. It may be a breeze for you bendy little women out there, but it's a real challenge for a muscle-bound superman such as myself. Every time, it makes me sore in places I didn't know I had. Thanks to yoga, I can touch my toes with ease...I'll be doing hands-free headstands in no time. Also, it's easily customizable - you can do it the hard way, or the easy way, as demonstrated by the two images below.

Fourth, every pose has a crazy name. Usually the names are badass animal maneuvers, like "spinning water monkey," "flying dolphin fangs," "smashing sloth fist" or "fiery horse's head." When you channel the entire animal kingdom through your workout routine, it's gotta be badass.

Fifth, yoga is the perfect prison workout. You can do it in your cell whenever you want! (However, you may get shanked if anyone sees you.)

Sixth, drunken Russians do yoga (see image below), and they're as badass as it comes.

Last but not least, you get to take a nap when it's over. After a long, sweaty, stretchy yoga session, nothing feels better than falling asleep on the floor in a room full of people while the instructor whispers sweet yoga lullaby's.

So there you have it: Yoga, the new badass workout.

Where would America be buried?

This morning a good friend of mine (we'll call him Nagrom to protect his identity) sent me an e-mail titled "Obituary." The e-mail was about how the 2008 presidential election was the death of American democracy. Needless to say, Nagrom is a bit of a right-winger.

The "Obituary" reads as as follows:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Born 1776, Died 2008

It does not hurt to read this several times.

Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul , Minnesota , points out some interesting facts concerning last November's Presidential election:

- Number of States won by: Obama: 19, McCain: 29

- Square miles of land won by: Obama: 580,000, McCain: 2,427,000

- Population of counties won by: Obama: 127 million, McCain: 143 million

- Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by: Obama: 13.2, McCain: 2.1

Professor Olson adds: "In aggregate, the map of the territory McCain won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of the country. Obama territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in low income tenements and living off various forms of government welfare..."

Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the "complacency and apathy" phase of Professor Tyler's definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation's population already having reached the "governmental dependency" phase.

If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegals and they vote, then we can say goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years.

If you are in favor of this, then by all means, delete this message.

If you are not, then pass this along to help everyone realize just how much is at stake, knowing that apathy is the greatest danger to our freedom.

Happy Friday!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

In response to this awesome e-mail, I wrote the following:

Dear Nagrom,

You and I have been "debating" politics for nearly a decade. Today, with this email, the debate sadly comes to an abrupt end. You have officially discredited any arguments you have ever made and proven correct all arguments I have ever made, in one fell swoop.

How, pray tell, have you done this? By proving that conservatives are fear-mongering liars who use nonsensical rhetoric to support their hollow claims.

1.) Professor Joseph Olson of Hamline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota, adamantly asserts that he has never made any of the comments in this email. His web page on the University's website even has a disclaimer explaining this. We're off to a good start: a false source of information.

Now let's get down to the "facts" asserted by...who knows.

2.) There are 50 Unites States, not 48 (19 + 29). In the 2008 election, Obama won 28 plus D.C. (not 19); McCain won 22 (not 29).

3.) America is 3.79 million square miles, not 3 million (2,427,000 + 580,000). I wonder who won the remaining 790,000 square miles?

4.) The U.S. population in 2008 was 304 million, not 270 million (127 + 143). Regardless, the 2008 election had a turnout of 129,391,711 votes. Obama got 69,456,897 votes, McCain got 59,934,814 votes.

5.) The "Professor" then goes on to make more wildly inaccurate statements about the murder rate in counties won by each candidate, how Obama only won the low income counties (like New York, Los Angeles and San Francisco?), how 40% of the country is in the "Governmental Dependency Phase" (meaning they rely on the government for roads, street lights, Medicare and law enforcement? Or meaning 40% of the country is on welfare and lives in government housing?) and how Congress will grant citizenship to 20 million "criminal invaders." I knew something didn't sound right about the Citizenship for All Criminal Invaders Bill of 2010.

I would continue down this path of pointing out obviously false "facts" made by an unknown source, but I think I've made my point.

Happy Friday!

Cookies VS. Comcast

Comcast, the self-proclaimed deliverers of superior and innovative customer experiences, just got out-done by a cookie bakery. Seriously.

Remember the year-long relentless commercials about the digital television conversion, and how life-threateningly important it was that we all be fully prepared for it? Comcast in particular launched a massive advertising campaign, with an End of Days theme, demanding that everyone take the simple preparatory steps to ensure we're all prepared for the digital conversion apocalypse.

Well, that Earth-shattering day came and went. I have no idea when it was, and neither do you, because you either have a cable box or bought a digital converter months ago. OK, great, we were all prepared and no one was caught off-guard by the digital conversion monster. Except for Comcast.

I have a TV in my kitchen, plugged directly into my Comcast Digital Cable outlet. It was installed last April. A few weeks ago, half my channels on that TV went out. I called Comcast to inquire. I was told, in a very rehearsed manner, that Comcast's systems were not fully prepared for the digital conversion, causing this blackout of channels. Are you fucking serious? That's like the IRS forgetting to have calculators on April 15. That's like showing up to play in the Super Bowl without your cup...or any footballs. That's like...Comcastic.

Comcast's solution to their mind-boggling lack of preparation was to send me a giant box of junk which I'm supposed to connect to my TV. I did, and now none of my channels work. Way to go, you technological savants. Of course, this massive TV-viewing inconvenience was perfectly timed with a permanent 50% increase in my monthly bill. Switch companies you say? Like millions of other San Franciscans, I live in a building with a pointy roof and a landlord that doesn't like satellite dishes. Comcast is the only ground-cable service available, giving them a monopoly on the Bay Area's massive cable market. Anti-trust laws are exactly that: laws I don't trust.

So here's where the yummy cookies come in. I went to Specialty's Bakery today, a scrumptulescent bakery and breakfast/lunch spot throughout California, Washington and Illinois. As I entered the notoriously busy location, I found myself and many others using an extremely user-friendly kiosk to order lunch. I clicked on one of their special sandwiches, customized it to my liking, swiped my card, and took a little pager to alert me when my order was ready. Seamless. So I had to ask the kind makers of my happy stomach what technology company created this awesome food expediency system. No tech company - this was created by Specialty's Bakery. Did you hear that Comcast? A bakery.

When a bakery can throw together a flawless customized online and in-store order/payment/receipt/delivery system, but a global communications powerhouse can't adequately prepare for the only thing they've ever needed to prepare for, it's time for a change.

Please join me, hand-in-hand, as we rise up, stop Comcast from buying the best network on television, and destroy the demonic evil that is Comcast, once and for all.

Applying for:

Dating Montage
Uploaded by smithy00101. - Arts and animation videos.

C/O Adam

Fog Blog

I've just decided something. I'm going to stop treating San Francisco's fog like a cold, angry monster that comes to ruin my day. To be fair, I'll also have to stop acting as if each rare sunny day is my last day on earth, and I've just won the lottery.


This will be a little tricky. First of all, this means not hiding inside when it's foggy, but rolling off to the park and the beach instead. Second, it means talking about the fog like it's some precious gift. "How 'bout this weather, Bob? Sure is a beauty, huh?" This also means lots of wearing shorts and flippy-floppies in cold weather. I'll have to start quoting fake authors as having said "The warmest summer I ever saw was a summer in San Francisco."


It's tough not to hate the fog though. Not just because it's cold and dampening, but because it's so damn tricky. It's like some smart son-of-bitch who tries to lure you into his fog trap. Look outside, "Wow it's so sunny!" Go outside, "Oh it's warm today!" Throw on some stunnas and go to the beach. "Gotcha!!!" the fog exclaims as it consumes all warmth and sunlight.


Alas, fog horns don't scare away fog as I once believed they did. I guess I have to throw on my foglasses and carry on in the fog like it's just another sunny day in California.

After three long years...

Please comment on your experience with the law school's administration:

The Law administration was consistently frustrating to work with. They often provided delayed, contradicting, and incorrect information. From inaccurate information regarding my financial aid before I began school, all the way through arranging for an externship in my final year, I consistently found the administrative staff to be non-responsive and unhelpful. This lack of functional ability combined with a constant stream of duplicative, condescending, and often sarcastic emails created a frustratingly unprofessional environment amongst the Law administration. In contrast, my experience with the Undergraduate administration during my undergrad career was quite the opposite.

Please comment on the law school classroom facilities:

It's time for a new law building with wide hallways or multiple hallways, windows, and clean communal areas. Last time I was in the "lounge" a mouse ran over my foot. The bottleneck of the single small hallway lined with 1L lockers is ridiculous and unnecessary.

Please comment on the law school library facilities:

It's also time for a new law library with decent chairs, a functional heating/cooling system and roof, larger study rooms, and more windows. And for God's sake, let us eat and drink in the library, even if it's restricted to one floor. We spend all day in there. We're not children, and we don't want to work in a filthy library any more than you do. "Fines for food" or whatever is absurd, and is only appropriate for middle-schoolers.

Please comment on the law school e-mail communication with students:

Comically excessive and ineffective. I received every single e-mail from at least three separate sources, sometimes from as many as six sources ("General School Updates" "Bursar's Office" "Official Announcements" "Law Records" "Susan Erwin" "Graduate Students"). Such duplication is good cause to stop checking e-mail. DO NOT E-MAIL BLOG POSTS. That's the beauty of a blog - you can freely check it as you please, rather than having the information from several blogs jammed into your email every day. TITLE YOUR E-MAILS ACCURATELY AND PROFESSIONALLY. Questions and "tricky" comments are not appropriate e-mail subject lines; we are busy, and don't have time to wade through dozens (literally) of daily emails with cryptic subject lines. For example, the first email regarding this survey was titled "Graduating Students Survey." That's appropriate. The second, third, and fourth emails were titled "Only 50 of you have an opinion????" That's useless. That subject line means nothing to anyone. We are studying as professionals. I have worked in three professional firms, none of which ever used email subject lines like this, or wrote email subjects in ALL CAPS. Email is a professional tool, not Facebook. Use it appropriately, otherwise no one will read it, and no one will respond, no matter how many snide comments, CAPS, or exclamation marks you use.

Regurgitated Afterbirth

So I was just slothing, watching a Discovery Channel show on wildlife in Yellowstone National Park. It was spring time, and the narrator was following a hungry coyote that was attempting to feed its litter of pups. In a failed attempt to eat some newborn antelope, the coyote was forced to "settle" for eating the antelope's afterbirth. Gross, I know. The coyote then returned to its starving litter of pups, and regurgitated the afterbirth for their dining pleasure. As I watched these cute little pups ferociously devour the regurgitated afterbirth, only one thing came to mind: Dick Cheney.

It's the perfect term for every single thing coming out of Dick Cheney's mouth right now. Regurgitated afterbirth. He's lapping up the now-irrelevant issues of an already-passed administration, and spewing them up for the starving media animals to feast on.
Cheney: "No link between Saddam Hussein and 9/11." Well no shit. That really doesn't matter now, does it Cheney? Your administration captured Hussein and forced his own country to hang him on YouTube for the world to see. So yeah, he's dead now. Saying that he wasn't linked to 9/11, but it was still a good idea to invade Iraq, is pretty much nothing more than regurgitated afterbirth.

Cheney: The "Bush" administration's interrogations of al Qaeda suspects were "legal, essential, justified, successful and the right thing to do." Wow, I'm so impressed that our ex-vice president is in the position to determine that breaking constitutional habeas corpus laws is legal, and just simply the right thing to do. So pretty much Dick Cheney is George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Mr. Rogers all rolled into one, and we should all care about his ideas of "legal" and "right." Nonsense. As far as I'm concerned, Dick Cheney's legal and moral compass lands somewhere between Charles Manson and Cobra Commander.

But it doesn't matter what I think, because I get like 13 hits a year (probably because of my Photoshop skills). CNN, FOX and MSNBC, on the other hand, control the airways, and have decided that whatever regurgitated-afterbirth-Cheney has to say is actually important. So they desperately lap up his worthless commentary and strew it across headlines. Why do we care what Cheney has to say again? It was hard enough to get people to listen to our last ex-vice president, and he was talking about the end of the world. If in 1961, Richard Nixon had publicly denounced the Kennedy administration, he would have been ostracized. Or if Walter Mondale had publicly criticized the Reagan administration after five months in office, people would have laughed at him. So why on earth does anyone care, at all, about what Dick Cheney has to say about the current administration??

It was a long, painful birth Dick Cheney. But it's over now, and so are your disturbed concepts of justice. So just wash away like a normal afterbirth should, and please don't regurgitate your useless ideals to the starving media anymore. It's just gross.

The Swine Flew

Considering what has actually happened in the world over the past couple years, is anyone really all that surprised about the swine flu? I mean, if I heard someone say any of these things two years ago, I'd say "yeah right, when pigs fly!"

Afghanistan's President, Pakistan's President, and the US President Have a Worthwhile Conversation

Fiat Buys Chrysler

Brett Favre as a Minnesota Viking

A Bollywood Movie Sweeps the Oscars

Joaquin Phoenix Becomes a Rapper

We Elected a President That Plays Ball

Well guess what buddy, the swine flew.

Headline Potpurri

"Miracle Fruit" Turns Sour Things Sweet

Apparently West Africa has been growing these little red berries that make your mouth trip out on ecstasy. When you pop these little devils in your mouth, you don't taste anything. But once it releases its magic flavor serum into your mouth, all sour or bitter foods will taste extraordinarily sweet. Lemons taste like candy oranges, Brussels sprouts taste like caramel corn, hot sauce tastes like honey. Do you realize the potential here? Essentially this makes gross healthy foods taste like our favorite childhood candy treats. I'm getting on a plane to Africa immediately, and coming back with crates full of the best-selling diet drug of all time.

Tesla Model S: $50,000 EV Sedan Seats Seven, 300-mile Range, 0-60 in 5.5s

This new luxury vehicle is faster than most sports sedans, less expensive than most luxury SUVs, and it runs on fucking electricity. It goes into production in 2011. So what you're telling me is that I can drop fifty grand on a new BMW 5-series, or I can spend the same on this crazy space car, and never buy gas again? I'll take the latter please. Again, there's huge potential here. Instead of spending the rest of our lives fighting other countries for their oil, the US can have all cars that run on electricity generated from these.


Hackers Crack Into Texas Road Sign, Warn of Zombies Ahead

I'm really happy to know that hackers are no longer complete nerds. This is probably one of the best uses of hackery I've ever seen. I need to get my hands on this hacking equipment. Again the potential here is limitless. I would make highway signs read:"Take Top Off Now" or "Watch For Cars" or "I'm In Your Backseat" or "You're Dreaming This."

Things I Wanna Cuss Out Christian Bale-Style

Christian Bale has a dirty fucking mouth. During the filming of the new Terminator movie, Bale lost his mind and cussed out some crew member because he kept walking around the set. I highly recommend you listen to it. Honestly, I don't blame the guy. Not because he makes a solid Batman, and not (really) because I'm scared of him. But because there's some motherfucking bullshit that pisses me the fuck off, and I wanna scream at it too. For example:

Doo-dee-doo, playing around on the internet, about to click on something, then....POP-UP!!! "Wanna find your high school sweetheart?" "Is your IQ higher than Barack Obama's?" "Free Credit Report!"

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Do I just wander into the middle of your life, little pop-up, and out of nowhere start screaming in your face?? Huh? Do I? NO! No I fucking don't! You're unbelievable little pop-up....If I turn my computer on AND YOU'RE STILL FUCKING HERE, I will fucking KICK YOUR ASS!!!

La-dee-da, got a good job, making money in the market, just bought a house....WHAM! Recession, you're laid off, the market hits record lows, your house gets foreclosed.

Fuck's sake man! Are you fucking professional economy?! No! NO!! You're amateur. Do you want me to trash your fucking world?! I'm just living my fucking life, and you come in and trash the whole fucking thing!!! THINK for one fucking second!! You ever think about hey, it's fucking distracting to have the economy fucking suck right now!? Give me a fucking answer!!!

Mmmm, so warm. So comfortable...feel like I'm floating. It's so dark and quiet and relaxing. I love sleeping. Haaaaappy dreeeeeams... BEE BEE BEE!!! Wake up it's your alarm! Go to work!

No let's NOT go again! I'm going to fucking kick your fucking ass if you don't shut up for a minute! What don't you fucking understand!? You want me to go back to sleep!?!? Well it's fucking USELESS now, isn't it?! It's the millionth time that you don't give a FUCK about what's going on in my dreams!!! Stay the fuck outta my dreams, alarm. Do you understand my mind is not in a happy place if you're doing that? Fuck!!!