Stuff to click on!

Baseball (and Florida) has hit a new low.

We all know that Miami, Florida brings out the best in people (e.g.: 2.Live Crew, Goldberg, Don Johnson, William Calley, Ricky Martin, Jonathan James, and of course Scarface). That's why it makes perfect sense that the Florida Marlins are home to the world's first two-ton dance team.

The "Manatees" (wow, so clever) are a group of obese men who blunder around the Marlins baseball field during MLB games. Here's a video of one of their sad, sad performances (you don't need sound, I'll fill you in on the pathetic details).

Pathetic details: They have a choreographer, who I'm going to assume is doing this as part of a criminal sentence. As you can see in the video, the ringleader of this operation, "Mr. Mantastic" wears a muscle suit, which simply makes his obesity appear to be more evenly distributed throughout his body.

Major League Baseball isn't known for its on-field entertainment...and these guys prove it should stay that way.

Boom.

That's really all I can say about this beast of a movie. Boom. I saw it in an IMAX theater, so the booms were extra bassilicious, and much of the visuals were stunning. Certainly one of the few movies you must see in the theater to get the full experience. For the high-flying city landscape shots, IMAX really brings it to life.

In terms of entertainment value, I couldn't ask for much more. It is a bit long at two and a half hours, so don't slurp down a 64-ounce Diet Coke in the first 15 minutes. But the story continues to develop throughout, so you never feel that the movie has become stagnant. Starting with the quite bad-ass opening bank robbery scene, the often back-to-back action scenes keep your attention thoroughly affixed to every moment of the movie. There are two action-climaxes, both of which made me feel like a giddy little boy after experiencing them.

The acting was good where it counted. Heath Ledger, who I've never enjoyed in a film before, nailed the role (completely psychotic) perfectly, and without question stole the acting spotlight. Christian Bale was big and cheek-bony as always, and makes the perfect Bruce Wayne. So much so in fact, I may actually someday forget about the sickening agony of George Clooney in that role. Bale's Batman voice at times sounded a bit more retarded than intimidating, something I had to get used to in Batman Begins. Maggie Gyllenhaal was far less annoying and far more convincing than Katie Holmes as Bruce Wayne's childhood friend and it-can-never-be lover, Rachael Dawes. Aaron Eckhart added some nice flavor to the acting mix, as Gotham City's exuberant and very likable District Attorney, Harvey Dent. The acting veterans, Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine, have perfected their roles.

Similar to director Christopher Nolan's first Batman film, the movie had some social commentary about societal balance, social norms, and fear. Such commentary is usually oversimplified or nonexistent in superhero movies. In The Dark Knight, it is nicely interwoven into the dialogue and storyline. Clearly it's no Shawshank Redemption, but it certainly was more thought-provoking than your average comic book turned movie.

As could be expected, there were a couple of minor unexplained jumps in the plot, usually the result of an abrupt end to a scene. The fight scenes were less choreographed and more edited than those in Batman Begins, leaving you with a lot of impact but unsure of what exactly is happening. But these scenes are quickly followed-up with amazing explosions, insane jumps, and extreme Bat-motorcycles, leaving your every Batman itch well-scratched.

Here's a bunch of images from the movie (click on image for hi-res pic):

I told you so!

Everyone loves the feeling of a good "I told you so!" But there's nothing sweeter than saying "I told you so!" to your friends and family burning in the fiery trenches of hell, while you frolic around Heaven's infinite landscape.

That's why the website youvebeenleftbehind.com was created! (Yes, it is a real website.) For a small $40 annual membership fee, you can store emails to your loved ones that will be sent six days after the Rapture! That's right, youvebeenleftbehind.com will store up to 250MB, or 62 emails for you. The data will be held in a secure location, and will be sent to your damned loved ones exactly six days after the end of humankind as we know it!

Frequently Asked Questions:

- How can the staff of youvebeenleftbehind.com send emails from Heaven?

There is a fool-proof system in place: three employees log in every day - as soon as six days have passed without a log in, the Rapture emails will be sent out! In the rare case that all three employees get sick or quit, you may accidentally receive some very nasty emails from your loved ones.

- With all of the devastation after the Rapture, how do you think the emails will be delivered?

(Quoting the website) "I do believe that the Internet will be up and running. There may be some localized temporary outages...Most of the net is buried underground."

- How will our heathen friends and family receive emails in Hell?

No more questions!



So, boys and girls, now would be the time to write that email to Andy Dick, condemning his drug-abuse and sharking of 17-year-old girls. When the Rapture comes and destroys everything, (except for the Internet, because it's underground....which I guess means that hiding in your basement will allow you to avoid the Rapture) you can rest assured knowing that youvebeenleftbehind.com has safely delivered your email to Andy Dick's hell-inbox, or hellbox. And you can look down from Heaven's pearly gates and yell, "I told you so, Dick!"

That's not cool, man.

I was thinking the other day, what if "Clown" was a race? What if some people were born looking like circus clowns, make-up and all? And people of Clown ethnicity had always been treated as a lesser-class of people, subordinated by all non-Clowns.

Eventually it would become public policy that Clowns should be treated equally as all non-Clowns. It would be politically incorrect to call someone "Bobo" or "Krusty", because of its negative connotation. There would be a host of stereotypes that would be associated with Clowns, like big shoes, malnutrition, obnoxious laugh, or incredibly convenient clumsiness.

"You wouldn't believe the guy who rear-ended me yesterday. It was this fucking Clown! Like, of course dude, of course you can't drive with those giant shoes!"

"I hate taking that bus, there's always some Clown on there being loud and obnoxious with those toys they always have."

"So she actually brings over this guy...a Clown. So of course I immediately start watching his hands around all my stuff, because you know how clumsy they are."

Eventually there would be public-service announcements where someone would say a Clown comment like "I don't want a bunch of Clowns coming to my party, you know how quickly that party will get broken up!", and then his friend would turn to him and say in complete seriousness: "That's not cool, man."