I wish John McCain was my friend...

...in high school. We all remember the tough times in high school: brutal gossip, exclusive cliques, baseless rumors, and continuous popularity contests. That's why I wish I had someone like John McCain at my side for those tender years of my life.

Just look at his uncanny ability to forgo all logic and relevance in the name de-popularizing his political rival.

This notorious McCain campaign ad against Barack Obama suggests that Obama shouldn't be elected because he's too popular. That's a very common image-destroying tactic in high school - it's called "The Slut Technique."

Example: Christine is head of the cheerleading squad, the most popular girl in school, and is about to be elected prom queen. How does less-popular Michelle prevent Christine from becoming prom queen? Tell everyone in school that she's a raging whore! It's completely untrue and has nothing to do with anything...but who cares!?! Now everyone hates Christine. Mission Accomplished.

Or consider this recent John McCain campaign ad, aimed at bringing Hillary Clinton supporters to the McCain camp. Now that Hillary Clinton is no longer a presidential threat to John McCain, McCain is saying that everything she said in her campaign against Obama is completely accurate.
The beauty of this age-old, McCain-era high school popularity trick, called "The Pit," is that it can turn any two friends into mortal enemies.

Example: Bobby and Harry are friends. Bobby and Harry both want to date Penelope. Mickey, the weird looking munchkin, wants to date Penelope too, but Penelope thinks Mickey is a freak. Penelope decides to date Bobby. Harry understands, and remains friends with Bobby and Penelope. This happy circle of friendship enrages Mickey. So Mickey makes up blatantly false rumors to pit Bobby and Harry against one another. "Harry said that Bobby has cat AIDS!" Next thing you know, Penelope hears this baseless nonsensical rumor, and decides she doesn't want to date either Bobby or Harry. So she ends up dating munchkin Mickey, the only other single guy in her class. Mission Accomplished.

I know that was a bit of a complicated analogy, so here's a key:
Penelope = The People
Bobby = Barack
Harry = Hillary
Mickey = McCain

So can you imagine having John McCain on your side in the trenches of a high school popularity battle? His intelligent, underhanded and conniving tactics would have made me and him the most popular guys in school! Irrelevant, nonsensical, and false claims like "she's a slut" and "he said you have cat AIDS" really carry a lot of weight for high school kids.

Unfortunately, equally irrelevant, nonsensical and false claims such as "Obama is too popular" and "Hillary Clinton doesn't support Obama" can carry a lot of weight for many easily-influenced-and-easily-confused American voters.

One more thing. Just to be clear, Hillary and Obama's policy goals are 95% the same. The two of them struggled during the Democratic primaries to differentiate themselves from one another on policy issues. Their largest disagreement was about how to administer universal health care. As much as Hillary wanted to win, her and the rest of the Clinton's fully support Obama's bid for the White House. Not to mention that Hillary would most likely be a part of Obama's cabinet, considering their extremely similar policy goals. So I'm just gonna outright say it: If you voted for Hillary in the primaries, and are now going to vote for McCain because you can't vote for Hillary, you're a FUCKING IDIOT. There is not a single thing that Hillary and McCain have in common other than the color of their skin.

Mission Accomplished.