skip to main |
skip to sidebar
"Miracle Fruit" Turns Sour Things Sweet
Apparently West Africa has been growing these little red berries that make your mouth trip out on ecstasy. When you pop these little devils in your mouth, you don't taste anything. But once it releases its magic flavor serum into your mouth, all sour or bitter foods will taste extraordinarily sweet. Lemons taste like candy oranges, Brussels sprouts taste like caramel corn, hot sauce tastes like honey. Do you realize the potential here? Essentially this makes gross healthy foods taste like our favorite childhood candy treats. I'm getting on a plane to Africa immediately, and coming back with crates full of the best-selling diet drug of all time.
This new luxury vehicle is faster than most sports sedans, less expensive than most luxury SUVs, and it runs on fucking electricity. It goes into production in 2011. So what you're telling me is that I can drop fifty grand on a new BMW 5-series, or I can spend the same on this crazy space car, and never buy gas again? I'll take the latter please. Again, there's huge potential here. Instead of spending the rest of our lives fighting other countries for their oil, the US can have all cars that run on electricity generated from these.
Hackers Crack Into Texas Road Sign, Warn of Zombies Ahead
I'm really happy to know that hackers are no longer complete nerds. This is probably one of the best uses of hackery I've ever seen. I need to get my hands on this hacking equipment. Again the potential here is limitless. I would make highway signs read:"Take Top Off Now" or "Watch For Cars" or "I'm In Your Backseat" or "You're Dreaming This."
Christian Bale has a dirty fucking mouth. During the filming of the new Terminator movie, Bale lost his mind and cussed out some crew member because he kept walking around the set. I highly recommend you listen to it. Honestly, I don't blame the guy. Not because he makes a solid Batman, and not (really) because I'm scared of him. But because there's some motherfucking bullshit that pisses me the fuck off, and I wanna scream at it too. For example:
Doo-dee-doo, playing around on the internet, about to click on something, then....POP-UP!!! "Wanna find your high school sweetheart?" "Is your IQ higher than Barack Obama's?" "Free Credit Report!"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Do I just wander into the middle of your life, little pop-up, and out of nowhere start screaming in your face?? Huh? Do I? NO! No I fucking don't! You're unbelievable little pop-up....If I turn my computer on AND YOU'RE STILL FUCKING HERE, I will fucking KICK YOUR ASS!!!
La-dee-da, got a good job, making money in the market, just bought a house....WHAM! Recession, you're laid off, the market hits record lows, your house gets foreclosed.
Fuck's sake man! Are you fucking professional economy?! No! NO!! You're amateur. Do you want me to trash your fucking world?! I'm just living my fucking life, and you come in and trash the whole fucking thing!!! THINK for one fucking second!! You ever think about hey, it's fucking distracting to have the economy fucking suck right now!? Give me a fucking answer!!!
Mmmm, so warm. So comfortable...feel like I'm floating. It's so dark and quiet and relaxing. I love sleeping. Haaaaappy dreeeeeams... BEE BEE BEE!!! Wake up it's your alarm! Go to work!
No let's NOT go again! I'm going to fucking kick your fucking ass if you don't shut up for a minute! What don't you fucking understand!? You want me to go back to sleep!?!? Well it's fucking USELESS now, isn't it?! It's the millionth time that you don't give a FUCK about what's going on in my dreams!!! Stay the fuck outta my dreams, alarm. Do you understand my mind is not in a happy place if you're doing that? Fuck!!!
So much crazy shit has been happening in the world, I've been a bit overwhelmed with blog ideas. The planet is in a state of disarray, and it's time to start fixing all of our problems. So let's get down to business:
1. Porn
As you all know, the porn industry asked for a federal bailout. This request was spearheaded by Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild and Larry Flynt of Hustler. I'm kinda surprised that Joe Francis is still at it, considering that in 2004 he was kidnapped and sodomized by some guy exacting revenge. But that's (funny and) beside the point. The porn industry is in trouble, and needs to be saved. Solution? Space Porn.
This untouched frontier of porn is an economic stimulus waiting to happen. Without getting into the details of how anti-gravity would make porn infinitely more entertaining, let me assure you that space porn would go flying off the shelves. But how can the porn industry afford to launch their best and not-brightest into the final frontier? Easy: Henry T. Nicholas III. This guy is the CEO of Broadcom and worth $2.3 billion. He also built a "sex cave" under his mansion, employs a small army of prostitutes, and goes through more white powder than Shaun White. If anyone in the world is willing to shell out millions to see Jenna Jameson in zero gravity, it's this maniac. And we wonder why our corporations are folding.
2. World Records
A Thai woman was just placed in the Guinness Book of World Records for spending 33 days in a room with 5,000 scorpions. Apparently this beat some idiot's previous record of less days in a room with 5,000 scorpions. I bet he feels like a total chump. Can we please have some sort of integrity with our world records?? People are just making up complete nonsense bullshit "records." Most tic-tacs eaten by a midget underwater. Most Bowflex commercials watched upside-down. Most days in a row standing on 1,000 pankakes. Most impossible commercial airpline crash-landings in the Hudosn River. Most butterflies cut in half by a blindfolded samurai. Most times busting out into uncontrollable laughter during Saw V. This could go on forever. Which would be another world record in itself.
3. GOD I hate the Steelers.
Considering what has actually happened in the world over the past couple years, is anyone really all that surprised about the swine flu? I mean, if I heard someone say any of these things two years ago, I'd say "yeah right, when pigs fly!"
