Headline Potpourri

(All to be read in the most sarcastic tone imaginable)

Boy do I love headlines! Check out some of the best from today:

"Wall St. has worst drop since 2001"
So you're telling me that today, the Dow Jones did the worst it has done since the first day the market opened after 9/11? So according to our economy, today, seven years later, America is only slightly better-off than six days after the worst attack on American soil, ever. That's just fantastic news. Why don't we just let Bank of America buy out Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, too? We can sell Florida to Cuba and Texas to Mexico, and then we'll have enough money to bail out Lehman Brothers, WaMu, AIG, Countrywide, and Merrill Lynch! Good thing Bush's "Stimulus Package" worked so well!!!


"Schools turn to paying students, parents"
This is a great idea. Public schools, which are just swimming in public funding, get to burn some of that extra textbook money on getting students and parents more involved. This long-term, financially sustainable plan will work forever, creating the perfect public school system. With how little money we're spending in Iraq, there's just gobs of leftover cash for the schools...just look at how good our economy is doing!!!


"Palin won't meet with 'Troopergate' investigator"
Yes! Now we have TWO Mavericks running for the White House! It's about damn time. One "Maverick" wasn't enough for me. I was just sitting on my laurels, waiting for an even Meverickier Maverick to come along and say "Fuck you, Congress." Because, ya know, ignoring federal bipartisan investigatory committees is no big deal - it's like ignoring a parking ticket. Who cares anyway - Pit bull with Lipstick!!!