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So I was just slothing, watching a Discovery Channel show on wildlife in Yellowstone National Park. It was spring time, and the narrator was following a hungry coyote that was attempting to feed its litter of pups. In a failed attempt to eat some newborn antelope, the coyote was forced to "settle" for eating the antelope's afterbirth. Gross, I know. The coyote then returned to its starving litter of pups, and regurgitated the afterbirth for their dining pleasure. As I watched these cute little pups ferociously devour the regurgitated afterbirth, only one thing came to mind: Dick Cheney.
It's the perfect term for every single thing coming out of Dick Cheney's mouth right now. Regurgitated afterbirth. He's lapping up the now-irrelevant issues of an already-passed administration, and spewing them up for the starving media animals to feast on.
Cheney: "No link between Saddam Hussein and 9/11." Well no shit. That really doesn't matter now, does it Cheney? Your administration captured Hussein and forced his own country to hang him on YouTube for the world to see. So yeah, he's dead now. Saying that he wasn't linked to 9/11, but it was still a good idea to invade Iraq, is pretty much nothing more than regurgitated afterbirth.Cheney: The "Bush" administration's interrogations of al Qaeda suspects were "legal, essential, justified, successful and the right thing to do." Wow, I'm so impressed that our ex-vice president is in the position to determine that breaking constitutional habeas corpus laws is legal, and just simply the right thing to do. So pretty much Dick Cheney is George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Mr. Rogers all rolled into one, and we should all care about his ideas of "legal" and "right." Nonsense. As far as I'm concerned, Dick Cheney's legal and moral compass lands somewhere between Charles Manson and Cobra Commander.
But it doesn't matter what I think, because I get like 13 hits a year (probably because of my Photoshop skills). CNN, FOX and MSNBC, on the other hand, control the airways, and have decided that whatever regurgitated-afterbirth-Cheney has to say is actually important. So they desperately lap up his worthless commentary and strew it across headlines. Why do we care what Cheney has to say again? It was hard enough to get people to listen to our last ex-vice president, and he was talking about the end of the world. If in 1961, Richard Nixon had publicly denounced the Kennedy administration, he would have been ostracized. Or if Walter Mondale had publicly criticized the Reagan administration after five months in office, people would have laughed at him. So why on earth does anyone care, at all, about what Dick Cheney has to say about the current administration??
It was a long, painful birth Dick Cheney. But it's over now, and so are your disturbed concepts of justice. So just wash away like a normal afterbirth should, and please don't regurgitate your useless ideals to the starving media anymore. It's just gross.
"Miracle Fruit" Turns Sour Things Sweet
Apparently West Africa has been growing these little red berries that make your mouth trip out on ecstasy. When you pop these little devils in your mouth, you don't taste anything. But once it releases its magic flavor serum into your mouth, all sour or bitter foods will taste extraordinarily sweet. Lemons taste like candy oranges, Brussels sprouts taste like caramel corn, hot sauce tastes like honey. Do you realize the potential here? Essentially this makes gross healthy foods taste like our favorite childhood candy treats. I'm getting on a plane to Africa immediately, and coming back with crates full of the best-selling diet drug of all time.
This new luxury vehicle is faster than most sports sedans, less expensive than most luxury SUVs, and it runs on fucking electricity. It goes into production in 2011. So what you're telling me is that I can drop fifty grand on a new BMW 5-series, or I can spend the same on this crazy space car, and never buy gas again? I'll take the latter please. Again, there's huge potential here. Instead of spending the rest of our lives fighting other countries for their oil, the US can have all cars that run on electricity generated from these.
Hackers Crack Into Texas Road Sign, Warn of Zombies Ahead
I'm really happy to know that hackers are no longer complete nerds. This is probably one of the best uses of hackery I've ever seen. I need to get my hands on this hacking equipment. Again the potential here is limitless. I would make highway signs read:"Take Top Off Now" or "Watch For Cars" or "I'm In Your Backseat" or "You're Dreaming This."
Christian Bale has a dirty fucking mouth. During the filming of the new Terminator movie, Bale lost his mind and cussed out some crew member because he kept walking around the set. I highly recommend you listen to it. Honestly, I don't blame the guy. Not because he makes a solid Batman, and not (really) because I'm scared of him. But because there's some motherfucking bullshit that pisses me the fuck off, and I wanna scream at it too. For example:
Doo-dee-doo, playing around on the internet, about to click on something, then....POP-UP!!! "Wanna find your high school sweetheart?" "Is your IQ higher than Barack Obama's?" "Free Credit Report!"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Do I just wander into the middle of your life, little pop-up, and out of nowhere start screaming in your face?? Huh? Do I? NO! No I fucking don't! You're unbelievable little pop-up....If I turn my computer on AND YOU'RE STILL FUCKING HERE, I will fucking KICK YOUR ASS!!!
La-dee-da, got a good job, making money in the market, just bought a house....WHAM! Recession, you're laid off, the market hits record lows, your house gets foreclosed.
Fuck's sake man! Are you fucking professional economy?! No! NO!! You're amateur. Do you want me to trash your fucking world?! I'm just living my fucking life, and you come in and trash the whole fucking thing!!! THINK for one fucking second!! You ever think about hey, it's fucking distracting to have the economy fucking suck right now!? Give me a fucking answer!!!
Mmmm, so warm. So comfortable...feel like I'm floating. It's so dark and quiet and relaxing. I love sleeping. Haaaaappy dreeeeeams... BEE BEE BEE!!! Wake up it's your alarm! Go to work!
No let's NOT go again! I'm going to fucking kick your fucking ass if you don't shut up for a minute! What don't you fucking understand!? You want me to go back to sleep!?!? Well it's fucking USELESS now, isn't it?! It's the millionth time that you don't give a FUCK about what's going on in my dreams!!! Stay the fuck outta my dreams, alarm. Do you understand my mind is not in a happy place if you're doing that? Fuck!!!
So I was just slothing, watching a Discovery Channel show on wildlife in Yellowstone National Park. It was spring time, and the narrator was following a hungry coyote that was attempting to feed its litter of pups. In a failed attempt to eat some newborn antelope, the coyote was forced to "settle" for eating the antelope's afterbirth. Gross, I know. The coyote then returned to its starving litter of pups, and regurgitated the afterbirth for their dining pleasure. As I watched these cute little pups ferociously devour the regurgitated afterbirth, only one thing came to mind: Dick Cheney.
